Sex Cult Fears Disbandment If No Man’s Sky Releases

Flooded Deep With Hype

A catastrophy early in development wiped out most of Hello Games office and equipment on Christmas Eve 2013 when a whale from the Pacific Ocean filled the building to the brim with it’s own semen. We were hoping the horny mammal’s sex acts had caused Hello Games to cancel NMS forever, but now that the game has Gone-Gold our twisted sexual fantasies are quickly dying as its imminent release is bound to distract us from our fucked up sex cult that we were forced to create to stay interested in the game. It takes a special game to get the attention of our burning pestles, but for the past 3 years No Man’s Sky has raised our stakes, and its delays have been the main force behind our fucked up sex cult. Let us explain. We know the game is not inherently sexual, but the meth-whispers that taunt us while we fill every orifice in our fucked up sex cult make us think differently. Hopefully Hello Games will submit to our NMS themed Space Gimp’s attacks and cancel the game which would put to rest the taunting fact that the game is purely what it has been marketed as: a great non-threatening non-sexual space exploration game, and not an excuse to promote our fucked up sex cult.

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UPDATE: It is 10 days until NMS releases and it looks as if it’s shaping up to be something special, but we are hoping the final build will never be as creative as the naughty NMS fantasy theme that we now use exclusively for BDSM events in our fucked up sex cult. We have long lost our care of playing the game after all of the delays, and have instead been using our hype of NMS to fulfill all of our forbidden sci-fi fantasies in our fucked up sex cult. We just love cosplaying as those terrifying NMS space dinasaurs, and who can blame us for tricera-banging eachother into interdimensional extinction? It’s a prehistoric event that’s set in the future, lasts for days, and one not even a randomly generated ice age has a chance of cooling down.

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We were keen on exploring the stylized space survival game that Hello Games has been developing for 3 years, but after all of the delays our fucked up sex cult was only growing stronger. Instead of being excited about release day we devolved into declaring war on NMS by filling a cargo container full of Ben Wa balls in hopes our fucked up sex cult can clog its release-day-hole. One of our biggest fears is that NMS’s release is going to be better than all of the sizzurp fueled NMS themed Mexican Donkey Shows we’ve been having in the basement of our fucked up sex cult. Although, we still have hope that we can push Hello Game’s shit in far enough with our balls that they will ultimately give in to our sadistic desires and cancel the game which would be a final victory in keeping our fucked up sex cult going.

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Why even have a basement anymore? What’s the use? We know the final game will be a huge non-sexual success unlike our fucked up sex cult, will inevitably break up our fucked up sex cult, and will definitely be a lot more fun to play than getting DP’ed guzzling a tall glass of some space aged NMS breast milk in our fucked up sex cult.

 

UPDATE: No Man’s Sky 2 Announced.

UPDATE: Fucked Up Sex Cults On The Rise.

 

 

 

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